Monday, 26 August 2013

standing

I can hear an alarm clock in another flat 10am no sound proofing she's gone already or can't move to stop the bleep gull head half wing by the communal waste house alarm attention night shift some sort of need for a new invention ex-socialite pulled down from the inside I can hear she is there to answer the phone massing in a silent Thursday morning up beat euro voice from I don't know where we are so lucky and beat desperate by another night of my worth left demented gave itself away now there's something hard stuck between these pages every so often a word messes up but I can't find and wake up too soon to remember sleeping in so can I dress up today in whatever cartoon personality looks least guilty which colour won't cut recovery time then I'll brew some tea coffee if I had some just to make the place smell nice what you do when no one's looking and feed me so I know this is home if I go somewhere everything will be alright good luck charm in next doors yard for sailors love your uniform anyway what about crossing the road or something to say when all the windows round here have reflective glass looking at me looking out checking my hair by crystals hanging from the good luck charm caught the sun if the sun's out tomorrow I might stand to look only if we get some sleep tonight take me flying every other day take me wasting every other day take me fucking every other day take me nothing every other day take me dreaming someone upstairs is dragging pavement across my face and even if I allowed myself a drink of water it wouldn't be wet enough to break down what I've slept like I've been awake all night waiting for results of day waiting room takes all the breath I'm only meat on a bed where the ice melted hours ago posing for a dead artist who can't make me famous now night doesn't get as dark as it used to all week the acting never slows down or is stop too much for now trapped in plans who might if nine roads if they and I if I feel like tomorrow I could break through the earth different as far as anyone can see fed and wise from my colossal unconscious inside louder twisting my belly around machine thunder outside in my mind the vision of a new gull wing or the remains of a fight between angels dressed up disguised as one evil more potent than the other to poison big lurid replay movie action distracted every day waiting for the change by arsenic purge destructive emotion intoxicated I once saw these houses as benevolent mammals jaws open for stray wing clamped echoey panic unwound all over the floor shiny in I want you to show me praise light carefully arranged ornamental interrogation shade cracked on the bookcase tell me what you mean it's too bright yes the flowers are pretty but why do I have to face glare lamp to me they're angel wings coz angels don't exist so I imagine I imagined the whole thing a victim of spontaneous human inertia and make plans to move somewhere else as someone else arrival time unknown depends on the dressing up box or if I'm ready to go in the right shop rain has made the earth soft and the sun's out everyone needs some sun dazed and pinned down like a lab rat even animals look haunted by the truth I apologise for living in this tunnel of fahrenheit extremes and blame the house a grudge against rental d├ęcor hiding cuts of quiet television interference showing a failed picture sound of tonight when I stand by the only window I open incidentally the most difficult to reach and question if I might be sucked into grainy black and white speed rushing rectangle and convex I thought about it too much to notice how much peace in the night after wherever I go someone will find out there are people who sleep mutant dreams


 

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